Understanding the Narcissistic Mother-Child Dynamic & its 5 Impacts

Being raised by a narcissistic mother can be challenging for a child to bear. These abusive acts and narcissistic tendencies are the only reality they’ve seen so far in their lives since their birth. These children are raised as a possible resource of narcissistic energy for their mother. Like above I have quoted an example of a Narcissistic mother, she raised her daughter as a source of self-satisfaction and not for her affection and love.

The Narcissistic parents, especially a narcissistic mother often sets very high standards for their children that are difficult to meet but if somehow the child gets closer or meet those standards, she will refrain from giving due credits to the child and brags about how good mother is she or how she has raised her child so well. The child is left hanging there, wondering how he can do best next time so he can get that long due appreciation.

A narcissistic mother impacts her child in a number of ways, leaving behind scars that are hard to heal. Here are some effects of the narcissistic mother on her child.

1.Personality Neglect

Children deserve unconditional love but sadly, in a narcissistic mother–child dynamic kids receive conditional love .Therefore,they believe that they will get love only if they will behave in a certain way. Consequently,they have to leave behind their own desires and wishes.Moreover, they neglect their personalities to fulfill the needs of their mother so that she can feel content. Therefore, if a child is good at it, he will be on good terms with her mother, but if he starts to deviate, the mother will turn cold towards him and even abusive.And this will remain this way until the child returns to deny himself and supply nourishment to the narcissistic self of his mother.

2.Stunts Normal Emotional Development

A child raised by a Narcissistic mother can often form a preoccupied attachment life later in his life, individuals with this attachment style are overly dependent on others and are very demanding in their relationships. These children often tend to fulfill the demands of their mother in order to stay in her good books. And later on they follow what their partners demand from them and ultimately they lose their own self in between.

3.People Pleasers

The innocent child of a narcissistic mother always reads his mother’s mood, he is always figuring out her desires and wishes so he can quickly prepare for that. Later in  life, they become so good at this, that other narcissists see them as natural mates. The child of a narcissist parent becomes people pleaser, always prioritizing others over himself. Well! You can label this as being selfless but this comes from that early realization that the more they will care for others, the less likely they will face any judgment or criticism.

Child of a narcissist adopts that if they’ll work excessively to please others, it’s less likely that they will be the center of negative attention. Consequently, that young child who didn’t get attention in his childhood grows up as an adult who, despite unintentionally has no expectation of attention, still hopes to get love after spending everything they possess to others.

4.Developing Anxiety & Depression

Children of narcissistic parents are vulnerable to anxiety and depression. They are overly dependent on others and it is difficult for them to relate with others, which makes it nearly impossible for them to form healthy relationships. And if they try to put them first in any relationship, which is rare, they are ashamed of it and the guilt doesn’t leave them. As they are always overshadowed by the narcissist, they often fail to build their own identity. All these failures in life lead to depression and anxiety and they are often more likely to abuse alcohol and drugs.

5.Unhealthy Relationships

Most of the time, they are in unhealthy relationships but they have learned from their narcissistic mother that they are undeserving of unconditional love. They feel anxious when they are getting unconditional positive regard, warmth and love in a relationship. They believe that love is conditional and does not last .

It may take years for the adult child to figure out why despite efforts, they are unable to maintain relationships. Sadly,this realization hits after enduring toxic relationships, fighting depression, or dealing with low self esteem and some of them become drug addicts. All of this drives them to seek professional help and a professional helper holds their hand and helps them come out from that hidden trauma caused by a narcissistic mother. Slowly the fog begins to lift and true healing finally starts.

Even in the adulthood, a person living with a narcissistic mother finds it difficult to maintain boundaries with his mom. As, his/her parents train him/her for years to keep mother’s needs first. If a person wants to remain in communication with his mother, he should set certain boundaries himself and follow those religiously as it is unlikely for a narcissist to respect boundaries her adult child has placed.

Final Words

Finally, we can conclude that the victims must spend some time pondering over the past experiences and also take a look at the present challenges of their relationships with narcissistic mother. They must discover what type of relationship dynamics they want to have, and can achieve with his mother. The expectations must be realistic and reasonable. A therapist should oversee all this process  as he or she is the person who has the experience working with clients having Narcissistic personality disorder.

Some of them might opt a low-contact policy with their narcissistic mother for the sake of a non-narcissistic father or siblings; others may find it hard, so they cut ties completely. Whatever the decision is, it must be for the well-being of the victim so that they can preserve their sense of self.