Adulthood is the time when you realize how your parents covered extra miles to raise you . You become more and more sensitive about the sacrifices your Mother made for you. Yet, unfortunately, not every child makes it to adulthood with positive parenting, some adults carry memories of childhood trauma and vindictively Narcissistic mothering. In this article, we will talk about Covert Narcissist Mothers, the psychology behind weird things Covert Narcissists do as parents, and how as an adult you can mitigate your relationship with a Covert Mother.
- Covert Narcissists; Maternal Narcissism
- Childhood Experiences with a Covert Narcissist Mother
- Navigating Relationship with a Covert Narcissist Mother
Who is Covert Narcissist Mother?
Covert Narcissists are people who have a higher tendency to self-entitlement, lack of empathy, and excessive need for attention. However, their outer personality does not align with the display of these traits like Overt Narcissists do, rather they hide behind a facade of insecurity, shyness, and vulnerability.
Covert Narcissists from the beginning of their lives struggle with the idea of self-identity, hence their Narcissistic Personality type simultaneously shows the inflated sense of self and vulnerability of the ego. There are a great number of weird things Covert Narcissists do for the gratification of their fragile ego, such as they are highly vindictive and manipulative in their relationships with children, family members, partners, friends, and work colleagues, specifically here we’ll talk about the Mother-child Relationship.
“If you were raised as a child by a narcissistic mom, you might have spent a lifetime being mistreated and shamed for things that you never did. Toxic shame is a result of being told you are not enough. You may feel worthless and unlovable. ” – Dana Arcuri [1]
Covert Narcissist Mothers tend to display the persona of self-sacrificing, very generous, and supportive mothers. She adopts the mother figure famous among your friends for being so caring for her children. She meticulously works for the “Good Parenting” or “Best Mom” titles when it comes to representing herself in your extracurriculars. But, behind closed doors, only you know the distrust and mistreatment you get from her.
Until now you may be reassuring yourself with; “no, this ain’t my momma,” but there’s more to delve into. You might never see your childhood in the same light, after reading how malicious a Covert Mother could get behind the best mom facade.
Childhood Experiences with a Covert Narcissist Mother
Psychologists from Sigmund Freud to Erick Erickson emphasized the role of the mother-child bond, it is the base of a child’s trust or distrust of the social environment as well as it serves the primary means of satisfying the child’s emotional needs. Living with a Covert Narcissist Mother has been linked with Anxiety, Depression, and symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in adulthood.
Covert Narcissist Mothers offer conditional love to their children and due to an intense lack of empathy, Narcissist Mothers fail to respond to the child’s emotional and physical needs. One of the weird things Covert Narcissists do is to divert the attention towards them, mothers with Covert Narcissism always place themselves above the child. At times when they play the most caring mother’s role, it is only to receive admiration from others.
Read More: Understanding Covert Narcissism: Common Phrases That Reveal Hidden Abuse
Being pushed away and facing deprivation of maternal fulfillment induce an enormous amount of guilt and shame in the child. The children of Covert Mothers grow up as insecure and helpless adults who depend on external validation. They refrain from expressing their feelings or needs to their partners or friends, as they constantly think of being a worthless burden over their loved ones.
We understand questioning your mother’s role as a parent is like asking if aliens exist. you can never get an affirmative reply, nor is anybody going to believe in you when you say you have a Covert Narcissist Mother. But, there are a few influential techniques that you can apply as an adult to mitigate your relationship with a Covert Narcissist Mother.
Navigating Relationship with a Covert Narcissist Mother As An Adult
Covert Narcissist Mothers believe that their child is not a distinct individual but rather their extended being. For this reason, as an adult when they begin making decisions or forming opinions, the Covert Narcissist Mother counts that as a threat to her possession of control over the child.
As an adult facing a Covert Narcissist Mother’s frequent disagreements and anger outbursts over trivial matters, you suffer the aftershocks of the Narcissistic Abuse you had in childhood. Understanding your relationship with a Covert Narcissist Mother and applying changes to your role in mother-child bonding, is salient for your mental wellbeing. As Covert Narcissists’ toxicity affects all areas of one’s life, the response to it has to be made healthy and practicable for stabilizing adult life.
1. Behavioral Response
Set Healthy Boundaries:
Living with a Covert Narcissist Mother depletes your ability to set boundaries for yourself, due to their coercive involvement in your life you become either dependent or avoidant of them. Setting up healthy boundaries helps you keep your matters private as an adult.
Less inclusion means less manipulation, the more you update her about everything the more she will malign your idea of living as an adult. Covert Narcissist Mothers envy others including their family members, it is better to keep yourself at an emotional distance without feeling guilty.
- “Mom, I understand your concern, but I am learning to deal with the things on my own.”
- “I will see if I can find something to share, currently I’ve got everything discussed.”
Limit Your Expectations:
Covert Narcissists have disrupted self-identity and they lack self-awareness. If you expect your Covert Narcissist Mother would sincerely address your issues or change her devious behavior, it’s a futile expectation. You can limit your expectations from them without disclosing your next move.
“No problem Mom I will see it myself. My friend will help me with the project.
“Oh! You have already sacrificed a lot for us Mum, we are grownups now we understand.”
Be Assertive:
Dealing with a Covert Narcissist Mother is challenging as they expect you to always agree with them and become passive-aggressive if you somehow manage to say no.
Tell yourself saying “No” does not mean disregard, you still regard her point of view but you can disagree based on your experience as an adult. Be assertive while using soft statements with subtle denial, saying no blatantly could make your life with a Covert Narcissist Mother far worse.
“I see it your way Mum, let us now give my perspective a try.”
“It doesn’t appear to me like a mother-child matter.”
“Let’s discuss this some other day.”
Ask Yourself Questions:
Another one of the weird things Covert Narcissists do is gaslighting. Mothers with Covert Narcissist Personalities tend to gaslight you to diminish your ability to do logical thinking, they will counter-argue your perspective of reality.
Whenever you try to question them they will use their self-sacrificing memoirs of motherhood such as; sacrificing her professional career for raising you or doing two jobs at a time, in the response you would feel ashamed of asking her something logical.
So, before you ask them questions, first try to find the answers yourself. Ask yourself the following questions to get the reality check.
- “Am I questioning her sacrifices?”
- “Why do I feel guilty for justified demands?”
- “Am I sharing more than enough details with her?”
- “Am I letting my mother pamper me while my friends are leading their lives independently?”
2.Verbal Response
Respond Not React:
Covert Narcissists Mothers provoke you for a reaction, they intend to drift the aim of conversations by sneering at you or criticizing your stance.
Staying calm is your armor against Covert Narcissists. Before you impulsively react, take a few seconds to frame your neutral emotional reaction.
- “Oh, let me think about it”
- “I think we should fact-check our stances.”
- “I am trying to understand, I’ll get back to you with my opinion on this.”
Prefer Silence over Dialogue:
Covert Narcissists may play the victim card by showing withdrawal and stonewalling. Therefore,if you are an empath attuned to give your mother selfless empathy they expect it from you in every scenario.
Before you move towards dialogue or discussion with a Covert Narcissist Mother, try to play smart by cornering yourself behind meaningful silence, and giving very brief replies with no motive to target anyone.
- “Hmm, makes sense.”
- “Okay, sure.”
- “Get things going, Mom.”
Read The Room:
Covert Narcissist Mothers have a conniving persona when it comes to projecting you as the bad blood. While depicting themselves as innocent. They often try to instigate arguments when their beloved partner or favorite children are around. They can prove you wrong with the majority on their side. Before you become prey to their manipulations, read the room. Think about who will favor you and who stands against you. Keep a safe distance from the family members who are in support of your Covert Narcissist Mother.
No Criticism and No Comparisons:
Covert Narcissists are hypersensitive to criticism and social comparisons and refrain from using counter-arguments or discussions that could trigger their fragile self-identity. They can distort your statements to indicate provocation about comparisons, don’t get into their trap of proving yourself, Covert Narcissists could further drag you in the dirt. Leave the room in which the discussion is taking place.
3.Emotional Response
Don’t Internalize the Trauma:
Don’t beat yourself up with the words Covert Narcissist Mother utters. We understand it is not easy to let go of the insults you receive, but clinging to that will only damage your mental well-being.
No matter how loud they say it they can’t define you.
Don’t Ask Her For Help:
A mother is a child’s first refuge against adversity. The trauma bonding of the child with a Covert narcissistic mother makes them blind to the trauma and abuse. This is the reason why many adults don’t accept they’ve been raised by maladaptive parents.
You become so habitual to the mistreatment of your Covert Narcissist mothers. That you immediately ask for help in trivial matters. As a result, they can telltale about you, and they can even manipulate your kids to go against you. To keep yourself and your family safe, do not ask them for help or any advice.
4.Psychological Response
Go for Self-Help:
Read about Covert Narcissists, educate yourself about Covert Narcissist Mothers. Their means of manipulating you, and the weird things Covert Narcissists in family, friends, and colleagues.
Professional Help:
Seeking Professional Help from Psychotherapists, such as an expert in Narcissistic Abuse will help you reshape your life.
Social Support:
Look for your social support by sharing your feelings and emotions with your siblings and friends.
Work on your Coping Mechanisms:
Learn about healthy/unhealthy parenting, and what role you can play in forming a secure relationship as an adult.
Family Therapy or Group Therapy:
To understand the Narcissistic situation of your parents, working together to resolve the matter. Therapy makes it achievable. Consult Family Therapists and discuss your trauma with them in a non-judgmental and confidential environment.
Further exploring weird things Covert Narcissists do helps you to identify Covert Narcissists in other spheres of life. If you want to know more about Covert Narcissists, then click here!
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